@One_FineMess

If two people love each other nothing is impossible…

Except deciding where to eat.

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@hyenasaur

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

@drinksmcgee

The Elm Street Daycare Centre has a strict “no naptime” policy.

@twink_mufc

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

@PickleRudd

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

@goldengateblond

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

@SavoirFail

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

@jpbrammer

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

@Where__wolf

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

@girlposts

having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural