My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
three things we don’t talk about
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal