Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit