Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Meowchelangelo

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.