Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

i- i did not expect this

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

This is hilarious….

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.