If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Anarchy
