If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
when unicorns get really drunk
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I know this now 😂
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers