If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The French word for sex is croissant.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.