Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.