If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
me when i see my girls butt
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.