If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*