If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.