Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

I’ve been drinking.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.