Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.