Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.