if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
You Might Also Like
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”