if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
You Might Also Like
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
that’s really how it is
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange