@9g7d7

If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m

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@parsfarce

gf: why are you wearing your jar jar binks outfit that’s just for special occasions

me: *gets down on one knee*

gf: omg

me: *crying* will yousa marry meesa

@SortaBadass

When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say “the baby is crowning!” and they’ll laugh and laugh

@thedad

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

@VanVeenB

Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.

Put her head right through the drywall.

Goddam cheap motels.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

@wickedsuga

Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@Davesub10S

Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.

@ozzyunc

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.