If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m

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gf: why are you wearing your jar jar binks outfit that’s just for special occasions

me: *gets down on one knee*

gf: omg

me: *crying* will yousa marry meesa


When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say “the baby is crowning!” and they’ll laugh and laugh


Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you


Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.

Put her head right through the drywall.

Goddam cheap motels.


wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them


Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.


They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.


Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.


Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.