My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
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PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
another case of gang violins
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
taking June’s advice to heart
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If I ignore life will it go away?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.