Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.