if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
me irl
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
lol
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.