if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
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[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.