if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.