if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.