Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

#gardening

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy