If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”