If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
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If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My biological clock is wheezing.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
your honor my client chooses dare
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.