if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
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Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.