if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?