if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
You Might Also Like
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
A friend helps you before you need it
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas