If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Spa day..😅
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*