If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.