If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
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If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
ready to be harvested
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.