Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.