If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?

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[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.


Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.


Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.


Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call


[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.


*guy collapses*
ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR
DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*


I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.


I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.


My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.


Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47