@robfee

If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?

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@Dawn_M_

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

@Maxine12333

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

@TheBoydP

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

@AbbieEvansXO

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

@aka_fatman

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

@hippieswordfish

*guy collapses*
ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR
DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*

@AndreTheViking

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

@007Pepe_Rex

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47