If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?

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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.


*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*


Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.


Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me


Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening


My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.


The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.


you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now


If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends


My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.