If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.