@robfee

If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?

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@Love_bug1016

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

@huntigula

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@capnwatsisname

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

@jackiembouvier

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

@danagould

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

@cal_gif

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

@drunkNnaughty

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

@KentWGraham

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.