Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers