Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Me checking my bank balance online.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

i have one speed and it’s mosey

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.