If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
the answer was staring at me all along
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”