if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
*jazz hands*
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.