Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

monday

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

sistine chapel

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!