if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
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Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!