If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live