Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

😂😂

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.