Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

some cats are just doing for fun!

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.