@Ivsy01

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

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@smedlee

When I lose a follower, I like to pretend they were Taken, then I go to Europe and shoot absolutely everyone.

@Rollinintheseat

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

@purplefuzzygirl

Damn boy! Are you a slinky?

Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

@thenatewolf

*showing mom how to use her phone*

What’s the blue button with the bird?

THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!

@Madame_Royale

I’m in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they’re both on their way to tell my husbands.

@RapeyRaperton

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.