When I lose a follower, I like to pretend they were Taken, then I go to Europe and shoot absolutely everyone.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
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I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Damn boy! Are you a slinky?
Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
*showing mom how to use her phone*
What’s the blue button with the bird?
THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I’m in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they’re both on their way to tell my husbands.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.