If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.