Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
You Might Also Like
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’