Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

thinking about this

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation