Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

bags with threatening auras

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

These aliens are taking forever.

is it earth

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.