If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
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Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Attacked by a mop.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
Customer is always right
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Always leave them wanting their money back.