if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
do what now??
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”