if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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A roof is a house hat.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]