Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.