if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
How high do the levels go?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.