If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
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Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
