Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

money maker

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

Not today.. 😂

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.