if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
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Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Very good! 👍😂
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”