if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.