if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.