Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?