Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Employees must applaud the planets.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

you have three unread messages

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.