Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

What a website

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.