Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

there’s music for literally every activity

Alexa turn off the planet

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Stop being racist to kettles.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

When your diet is finally over.

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.