Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?