Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

make up your mind

the council will decide your fate