Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

that lip filler tho

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!