Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.