Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

Made something I’m not proud of

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?