Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

*me flirting

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.