Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.