Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

👍

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.