Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media