@jonnysun

if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”

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@sixfootcandy

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

@kwirkyKerri

You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.

@madlymomming

The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.

@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

@Sean_Burgundy_

My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me

@Probgoblin

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

@SatansTongue

“Ok welcome to ask stupid questions club. Any questions?”
Is this ask stupid questions club?
“You’re now the leader of this club”
What club?

@JesKeepSwimming

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”