@jonnysun

if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”

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@GensPlace

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

@delusions_of

My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.

@jonnysun

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

@JohnLyonTweets

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

@Mr_Kapowski

My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus”

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

@ohpeetie

My hobbies include reading books, eating snacks, and sending emails referencing attachments without the attachments.

@FeverFlave

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

@vladchoc

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

@Darlainky

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.