if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”

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[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!


You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.


The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.


I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids


My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me


Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.


“Ok welcome to ask stupid questions club. Any questions?”
Is this ask stupid questions club?
“You’re now the leader of this club”
What club?


Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”