*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
You Might Also Like
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*