if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”

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Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.


My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.


museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig


So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.


My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus”


{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.


My hobbies include reading books, eating snacks, and sending emails referencing attachments without the attachments.


Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*


The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.


I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.