if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
worst…sale…ever
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.