if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I’m not wrong
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die