Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

This is the best one I’ve seen

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.