If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat