If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
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BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Wednesday
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.