Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

#Caturday

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?