Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

“i am a sweet baby”

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing